Shiroi Heart
by Unknown Pain
Summary: He didn't budge when she took one step closer to him. "Natsume, I really love you!" She tiptoed to his level and pressed her lips to his as quickly as she could. Unfortunately, it didn't change his way of thinking.. "I'm sorry.." ONESHOT NxM


**Written by –** Unknown Pain.  
><strong><span>Disclaimer –<span>** It doesn't matter how much I try, I'd never own GA or the song Shiroi Kokoro by Saori Hayami.. F|  
><strong><span>Note –<span>** "Shiroi" means "white" in Japanese.

**Shiroi Heart**

-Unknown Pain-

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><p>She sat there, tapping her fingers on the desk with the rhythm of the music she was listening to on her iPod. She didn't listen to the lecture her teacher was giving, nor did she even hear him. She had her attention somewhere else; on <em>something<em> else.

Her classmate.

A boy.

Natsume Hyuuga.

Mikan watched the way he leaned sideways with his chair against the wall, his dark eyes turned to the window. She watched and tapped, wondering if he knew that her attention was only turned to him.

A sad feeling appeared inside of her as a question came into her mind: _do I even stand out?_

Natsume had always been a "somebody" in their school: having friends that weren't really his friends, girls squealing his name every time they saw him; wherever he went he had someone to go with, unlike her.

They were too different from each other, is what he said when Mikan finally got enough courage to confess her feelings to him. His words hurt her but in a way, she agreed with him.

They were the total opposite of each other.

But still, she couldn't accept it. She didn't _want_ to accept it.

She found it unfair; she knew everything about him. _Everything_. It didn't matter how different you were, as long as you understood and knew about each other, right?

Mikan was sure he thought the same way, but then, why didn't he accept her feelings? Was it because he thought she wasn't his type?

She bit her lip; if that was the case, did he know that she was willing to change herself? He probably didn't even care, she thought.

The bell rang and everyone stood up, hurrying out of the classroom to get ready for their next period. Natsume stood up, too, together with his blonde friend. The two passed her table in a slow and calm pace.

The girl watched the raven-haired one through the corners of her eyes. His gaze was straight forward, just like his face. He didn't make any eye contact with her, not even a brief glance; it was as if he hadn't even noticed her.

Mikan sighed and stood up as well.

She just didn't want to accept it and even she found it troublesome.

* * *

><p>Their next period was English and Mikan stiffened when she heard that she and Natsume were partners for the assignment everyone had to do. On one side she felt relieved; now she had a reason to be with him, to talk to him. But she also felt sad, insecure, and she didn't even know why herself.<p>

As the teacher finished talking, everyone made their way to their partner's desk.. except for Mikan and Natsume.

Natsume had his eyes turned to the book while Mikan had hers on him, watching him; he was probably waiting for her to come and sit next to him, while she wanted him to go to her.

She swallowed, sighed and nervously made her way to his desk, taking a seat.

Natsume flipped over some pages without looking at her, and he pointed at a page. "This is the one," he told her casually, not removing his gaze from the book. Mikan noticed that he didn't look at her and tried her best to hide her sorrow, clearing her dry throat softly. "A-ah... okay."

She placed a loose strand of auburn hair behind her ear and wanted to read a sentence but stopped as she realized that he was looking somewhere else.

Mikan furrowed her eyebrows and looked at the direction he was looking at: Ruka and Hotaru. Was he looking at them? Or was he looking at only _one_ of them…?

The female wanted to know who he was looking at and when the name "Hotaru" came in mind, her stomach turned automatically of the jealousy, and she bit her bottom lip as hard as she could, trying to hurt herself because of the fact she'd been feeling like that. It was a waste of time, wasn't it? But no matter how much she wanted to, she couldn't stop it.

_Ple__ase keep your eyes on me alone._

Mikan wanted to say that, but she stopped herself just in time; it was stupid. There was no way she could say that. Then Natsume would never look at her again, she was sure of it.

She bit the insides of her cheek and tried to shake it off by pretending she hadn't noticed anything, and she started reading.

The teenager was hoping that as soon as she started reading the first sentence out loud her crush next to her would turn his attention to her, but unfortunately… he didn't. Her amber eyes darted to him again and this time his eyes weren't turned to Ruka and Hotaru but to the window, his hand supported his chin.

Mikan scrunched her eyebrows, starting to get irritated and had enough of this: she didn't sit there to waste her time.

"Hey," Mikan called, and he gave a short "hn" in response. "Just so you know, we have to do this together."

"Hn." There it was again. It only annoyed the female even more. "Natsume," she called sternly,

wanting him to look at her. "If I fail, you'll take responsibility."

This time, the male shrugged his shoulders in a nonchalant way, his rare-colored eyes still locked to the window. "You're one big failure anyway." He told her bluntly, making her glare.

"Take that back!" Mikan hissed and hit him softly on the head.

And then finally, she got what she wanted: he'd finally turned to her! But instead of feeling victorious or relieved, Mikan was shocked and surprised as she saw the look in his eyes; she just wanted to tease him a bit and didn't mean that hit, but Natsume had a different opinion about it. It was anger and most of all annoyance that she saw in his crimson eyes; it was a look that Mikan wasn't used to seeing, that she didn't even _know_ of.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" he sneered under his breath so the teacher wouldn't catch them, his forehead deeply frowned and his eyes boring into hers. His partner had difficulty swallowing the huge lump in her throat away as she tried to reply to him.

Mikan didn't want this; to see such glare from him was the last thing she ever wanted. The hurt in her was boiling and only grew worse as he narrowed his gaze at her, as though he was demanding for an answer.

"I-I need to go to the bathroom," she quickly said with a cracking voice that already said that she was on verge of crying, and left with a quick pace the classroom.

By the time she got into the girls bathroom, the tears were already sliding down her soft, red cheeks.

What did she do wrong to make him so irritated and angry? Was it only because of the hit? But she didn't hit him so hard, did she?

Mikan sobbed as she looked at her reflection in the mirror, trying hard to push the sorrow and pain down. She silently cursed herself for the fact that she was standing here, crying like a big baby just because her biggest crush, who didn't return his feelings to her, gave her a glare that she wasn't used to seeing. Was this how love had to be…?

"Oi, polka-dots,"

Her heart stopped for a slight moment when that deep male voice touched her ears. What was he doing here?

"You in there…?"

Mikan bit her lip hard and wiped away the tears. "U-uhh… y-yeah?"

"Is there any chance that you can come outside?"

The female swallowed the huge lump in her throat away, removing the strained makeup from her cheeks. "Do I have a reason to come outside?" she returned strongly, her eyes locked on her own reflection.

His sigh could be heard. "... We need to talk." Mikan brown eyebrows furrowed deeply before she sighed as well; although she didn't want it, it was maybe a good idea to talk to him.

The girl threw some water on her face and dried it with a towel. After she took a deep breath, she walked to the bathroom door. The first thing her eyes laid on was Natsume who stood against the wall in front of her, his arms stiffly folded in front of his chest and gaze almost covered by his messy bangs.

Mikan took only one step out of the bathroom and didn't move after that. She only looked at the male with insecurity filling her big eyes.

Natsume took that as a sign that he had to make the first move, and a bit irritated, headed to her in his usual calm and cool way. He stayed silent but he watched the way she removed her gaze from him.

"Why are you here?" Mikan began to question him, her eyes still turned to the floor. "That freaky friend of yours told me that your behavior just now was my fault and that I had to go after you," Natsume responded in a grunt, flipping his raven hair backwards.

Mikan didn't say anything.

His raven eyebrows furrowed. "Why did you run away like that…?" Mikan bit the insides of her cheek hard, not knowing how to answer such question. She wanted to tell him the truth, she really did, but she was too afraid of his reaction.

"Well?" Natsume pushed on, getting impatient.

Her heart was having a fast beat and she swallowed the tears that started to sting her eyes away. "It's not fair…" Mikan suddenly mumbled, making the male in front of her raise his eyebrow slightly in confusion and in surprise. But nonetheless, he kept his mouth shut, waiting for her to continue. "I've known you for so long… I know everything about you. I've been doing almost everything for you… And yet, you've got your eyes on all the other girls, and never on me." The voice in her head started to yell at her, telling her to stop, telling her that she'd only experience more pain if she continued. But Mikan couldn't stop herself: the words just rolled out of her mouth.

Mikan slowly looked at him with tears finally filling her eyes. He only looked back with his usual emotionless expression, secretly biting the insides of his cheek. "Why…?" she breathed at him.

Natsume started to frown at the painful expression she was throwing at him and sighed loudly, ruffling his hair in frustration. _Not again…_ "I thought we talked about this," he responded in a low voice.

"I know this is a pain and I know I'm annoying," Mikan told him honestly, staring directly into his eyes while swallowing the lump in her throat away. "Right now, I find myself annoying as well. But… I just can't help to think and feel this way."

Natsume started to swallow his dry throat as well, keeping his mouth tightly shut. "Natsume, tell me," Mikan began after a small moment of silence. "Is it really wrong for us to be the opposite of each other?" He didn't say anything.

"We understand each other, don't we?"

"You don't get it…" Natsume finally let her hear his voice, watching in silence how her expression only grew worse when he said those words: it hurt him.

"What isn't that I don't get?" Mikan spat back as the tears streamed down her cheeks, glaring softly at the male in front of her. "_Why_ are you hesitating?"

His mouth didn't part.

"Well?" She wanted an answer.

Then, they finally moved, "Because." His voice grew almost in a whisper.

Mikan her eyes narrowed; she didn't want to hear such answer from him nor had she actually expected it. "T-tell me the truth, Natsume," she said instead, trying to control her tears, her voice set into a whisper.

The said male bit his lip hard, his jaw tensed. "I am telling you the truth." She had all the right not to believe him; he really was lying to her and he hated it that she found out.

_I'll only hurt you__… _Unfortunately, he had no clue how to tell her that.

He didn't budge when she took one step closer to him, her eyebrows raised in a pleading way. "Natsume, I really love you!" He stayed silent, ignoring the way his heart was beating quickly. He just stared at her while she was waiting for his reaction. He could see in her gloomy eyes that she was hoping he'd repeat those small words, but, how much he wanted to repeat it, he was too afraid to do so.

Mikan couldn't control herself anymore and before she knew it, she tiptoed to his level and pressed her lips to his as quickly as she could. Natsume stiffened but closed his eyes immediately.

It was just a close-mouthed kiss. It looked little, innocent, but for them it was everything beyond that. It was real, they both could feel that, and through that Mikan realized that something was wrong; he was holding himself back.

Natsume wanted to hold her and just when he wanted to move his arms and lost control over his body, he halted and parted away from her, their faces still near each other.

Mikan blinked in surprise and confusion. "What's wro—?" But his eyes gave her the answer already. The relieved feeling that had appeared inside of her the moment they kissed changed into hurt and sorrow, and she knew the reason why he held himself back.

Her heart ached so much that she couldn't stop her tears for coming out to show what she was feeling. Could she really do nothing anymore to make him change his mind? Was this really the moment to give up and say goodbye..?

_Let m__e hear an "I'm sorry" from you…_

Natsume shook his head slowly yet stiffly, his crimson eyes boring into hers as he said the two words she wanted to hear in a whisper, "I'm sorry."

And that was it: the end of him and her came, and although she tried to look strong as best as she could, the tears streamed down her cheeks like waterfalls.

Mikan took a step backwards as though she was already saying it. "Goodbye…"

She knew what he felt now and decided that it would be best not to change that; she'd only end up hurting him. But not only him, also herself: she realized that now. It was over.

Mikan showed him through her tears the best smile she could make, and upon seeing that, Natsume raised both of his eyebrows in surprise. It was as though the smile was telling him that it was okay, that she had finally accepted it and most of all, _understood_ it.

The two teenagers stared at each other in silence and then, with another soothing smile, Mikan walked away, her nose high in the air so she'd still look strong. She tried to control her sobs as she wiped her tears away.

Natsume watched her and not knowing what else he had to do, he pushed his hands in his jean pockets as though nothing had happened and walked away in the opposite direction, trying to find a way to let out his pain.

* * *

><p>Months had passed after that and the two hadn't really talked to each other since then. They did if they <em>had<em> to, but that was about it.

But still, they couldn't stop themselves from watching each other secretly.

It was lunch break and Natsume was sitting against the trunk of his favorite tree, the back of his head against it while his eyes were closed.

He always thought of her, just like he was now. He wanted to stop the thoughts about her by thinking about something else, but she still appeared in them, even if it was just her name.

Natsume swallowed lightly and slightly opened his eyes to look up at the sky. He wished it didn't have to be that way; that it could have happened differently.

He regretted that he didn't say his feelings because he loved her… maybe even more than she loved him. But what would happen if he did? If he told her "I love you, too," and pulled her into a hug, would they be happy? Maybe she would, but he wouldn't.

Because he was too afraid… Too afraid that he'd hurt her because of the things he did. Too afraid that he'd make her live in his world of darkness where she didn't even belong. Too afraid that he'd change her into someone nobody wanted to be: into someone like _him_.

_Did she notice__…? _Natsume thought for a small minute before he shook his head and brushed his fingers through his messy raven hair, his eyes still turned to the sky. There was a small chance that she did know about his cruel missions. As far as he knew, she only thought that he didn't love her.

He inhaled the fresh autumn air and sat up, his eyes roaming around, hoping to find her. It didn't take long before he did and Natsume locked his gaze on her, watching the way her eyes closed and the corners of her lips bounced up into one of her famous smiles.

That feeling appeared inside of him again; the feeling of regret he always got when he saw her, and he bit his bottom lip hard.

_It's all for her…_ he mentally told himself again and again, like he always did, to get rid of that nagging feeling. _Because if I didn't, I'd surely repaint her pure white heart._

Suddenly, feeling that someone was watching her, Mikan halted what she was busy with and slowly turned her gaze to Natsume's direction.

Just like him, she felt bad about it, wishing that it had happened differently… that he didn't have to be so afraid. Because she _knew_ the way he thought about them, how he was afraid that he'd only hurt her, change her. Unlike him, she wanted him to repaint her white heart into the color his heart had, so she had a bond with him, so her heart would be satisfied.

_Did he notice__…? _Mikan thought as the two stared at each other, forgetting the things happening around them; they only saw each other. He probably didn't. But it was too late to tell him now, right…?

Natsume and Mikan both parted their lips, "Maybe it's for the best…" they both whispered softly so no one could hear their words, only them, their eyes still locked onto each other.

Seconds passed as though they were minutes that just didn't want to go by, and Mikan presented him with her angelic smile; the one he liked most, she knew. The corners of his lips curled up as well.

The two stood up at the same time with their gazes still attached to one another, their smiles still present. And both of them turned around slowly and walked away as though nothing bothered them.

Secretly, Mikan peered over her shoulder to watch him leave, her smile still pressed on her lips. "But still, I can't stop but hoping that one day we'll be walking next to each other with our hands entwined…" With that having been whispered, she set her eyes forward again and walked further.

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><p>Sam – "What the hell is wrong with you..? An ending like this? Are you crazy?" Yes, because I got no idea how to end it differently; an open ending means that there will come more, also known as a sequel. Unfortunately, I have no ideas for a sequel so (if you want a sequel, that is) <em>you<em> can think of one to give me enough inspiration to actually _write_ one.

Leave you ideas of what could happen to them in the sequel in your review or you can also just PM me. ^^

Also, **Shiroi Kokoro** by **Saori Hayami** is really awesome so, to those who doesn't have a clue what I'm talking about, I suggest you listen to it. :D It also can be heard in the fourth ending of **Ore no Imouto ga Konnani Kawaii Wake ga Nai**.

I hope you all liked it; please review and those who're flaming will get punished. F|

Much love,  
>Unknown Pain<p> 


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